Losing time

Despite countless tries, I can’t seem to get on a schedule.  I have no idea how other people PhD students do it; when do they do their washing up or laundry?  I mean all of this life gets in my way and then next thing I know it’s 5pm and I’ve got nothing done.  I know the answer is get up early, but with this medication I am on, it is not really feasible.  It knocks me out for a good 12 hours; not much I can do about it.  If I were to want to get up for 8 or 9 am I’d need to take the medication at 6pm, rendering me asleep by 7.  That’s just crap.  Right now I take it between 10-11 and am pretty much out until 10ish in the morning.  Unless I have a crap night’s sleep, like last night, when I was awake until 2 am stressing about all of this.  I think if I had a job to go to it would be easier, and people say I should just go to my office.  However I can’t work in the office because of the lights.  I’d manage about 2 hours tops without wanting to vomit from the headache the lights give me.  I know it sounds like excuses, but I really can’t change the fact I have chronic daily headache syndrome, and the uni isn’t about to give me a workspace with no lights.  FML.  So this was Thursday.

11:30: (I know, I know) wake up.  Headache is unbearable already.  Also extremely anxious; just what I need.

11:30-12: pee, take meds, check email, start coffee

12-12:15: make something to eat.  Bailey wants chicken.  I find him a new toy; one that came in his Christmas box.  (Not to be confused with Christmas Box.  Haha.)  (OK, I know like ONE of you got that, right?)

2015-01-29 12.35.49

12:15-12:30: eat, check internets

12:30-12:45: get dressed, put hair up

12:45-1: realise something needs to go out to the post; find tape, gets stuff ready.  This takes longer than it should b/c my hands are shaking from the anxiety despite the valium.

1-1:15: make sure I have everything I need for post office and physio appointment after, like my trainers.  It snowed overnight so I’m wearing my boots with the fur.

1:15-1:30: walk to post office, mail items

1:30-1:45 walk to physio

1:45-2:15: wait for physio.  I know I was early; there’s a half hour wasted, but I never know how long the lines will be at the post office, better to be safe than sorry.  Also I have to be early for everything

2:15-2:45: physio appt.  Prognosis is good.  I wish the paresthetica meralgia would ease up.

2:45-3: walk home

3-3:45: shower, dry hair, get dressed, put in load of laundry, make salad, start this post.  Hands are still shaking.  Am feeling very lightheaded and anxious still.

3:45-4: take vitamins, wash dishes I used for salad, watch trailer for the Spooks movie :)

4-4:15: Because I am meeting Steph for dinner (we have a voucher, last day to use it is today) I slap some make up on; put away laundry

4:15-5: edit this post, catch up on email, etc as I need to leave I know starting work will not benefit me, just make me more stressed out

5-6: travel into city centre, buy a new iphone cable, browse a bit before meeting for dinner

8: home.  Despite only having most of 1 glass of wine, I’m feeling tipsy.

Attempt to be proactive and get the items that I’ve sold (I started listing things before I got my loans in desperation) so I can take them to the post office tomorrow.

It’s 11 now and I need to start getting ready for bed.  I’ve walked 17.5K steps today.  Impressive.  I didn’t think I did all that much walking around either today, but I was busy around the flat and everything rather than just sitting on the couch; I was always doing something today, just not what I was supposed to be doing.

 

A return to running

I won’t lie and say I wasn’t overjoyed when I had my physio intake last week.  I was worried that my ankle was completely done.  The first sprain/ligament tear was in November and the Talus area was still sore as anything.  It wasn’t improved when I slipped on the ice/tripped over another depression in the sidewalk 2 weeks ago; the swelling had increased once again.  But after all of the testing, manipulating, and hopping during the visit, I was told there was no reason I couldn’t return to walk/running in the next 10 days.

I’ve spent the past 6 days waiting for the swelling to go down and the pain level to decrease.  I’ve found on days where I walk over 11K steps, the pain increases.  So after a low mileage day yesterday (just barely making 10K steps) I decided today would be the day to try it out.  I used the treadmill at the gym, considering my issues with being unable to walk down the sidewalk as of late.  Seriously, it’s ridiculous.

My ankle didn’t hurt*.

I was amazed.

No pain at all, and no swelling in the hours that have passed.  I am SO happy because this means, that within reason, I can start running** again.  This is good, because I need it, if for nothing else it has been SO hard to deal with the stresses of life without being able to go out for a run.  I didn’t realise how much I enjoyed it, until I was unable to do it at all.  It was torture reading people’s race times/reviews and looking at people’s scenic pictures online.

And now I can use my cute Sweaty Betty earwarmers and new Fabletics running jacket that have been gathering dust in my closet.  :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

* the Meralgia paraesthetica had other ideas and my thigh isn’t too happy

**running to me, that is.  I’m still slower than turtles in molasses

Everything sucks

So we’re 10 days into 2015, and so far I think it sucks.  I’ve been sick.  I have no money. I’m still injured and can’t run. The bank won’t get back to me about the potentially missing check issue, and today I found out my supervisors never sent in my form.  So, the money I was still praying would come in on Monday, now certainly won’t.  I can’t borrow any money from anyone because I don’t know if I will have money to pay back.  I feel more and more like I am not wanted here, and am getting closer and closer to that moment when I start selling all my belongings.    I’m trying to figure out the best way to do that actually.

Everything sucks.

I know not many people read my blog, probably because it is so negative.  This is my life, and right now I am saying it sucks.  It’s really hard to DO anything when you have -£200 in the bank and right now I am just so beyond frustrated with everything, especially since I am NO closer to knowing what is going to happen.  All I want to know is yes or no.  I can live with the decision.  It’s the waiting that’s the hardest part.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t

That pretty much sums up my situation right now.   Basically I’ve worked (harder some times than others) on my PhD for the past 3 years and my supervisors are now saying I don’t have a thesis.  They are not saying I’ve made sufficient progress, and therefore I may not be getting my loans in January. (I can’t confirm or deny this as it’s Christmas and I can’t find out until the beginning of the year.)  The university is fine with me taking more time, but without money, there is no time.  No loans = no money= no studies = Cindy is basically fucked.  Not to mention the lack of visa.  :(

So right now I am expected to write all of this theory (most of which I don’t understand, which is another issue altogether when you realise you aren’t as smart as you thought you were; that or the Topomax REALLY fucked up my brain) and carry on with everything.  Which is hard to do, as I am losing time I could be using to sell all my belongings for money or looking for jobs (not that anyone will hire me as I don’t have any experience over the past 4 years and I don’t have any references from this decade- and I would need pretty much some sort of relocation allowance so hahahahahaha on me) since my future is so up in the air.

I didn’t want to talk about this, as it’s Christmas, and well, I don’t really want people feeling sorry for me.  And. . . . well I feel ashamed.  I’ve wasted 3 years of my life on this, and now I’m going to be 40 and I have nothing to show for it but over $100K worth of student debt, no money, no partner, no job, and no foreseeable future.  The future I had envisioned after the PhD is long gone now, and it’s really hard to think of a job I could possibly get hired at.  But I suppose, at nearly 40, I have to be accountable for my own actions.

In the end. . .

Basically . . .

 

I have a life here (Well sort of.  I am having serious regrets about how I spent and wasted my time here and the lack of connections I made and how I wasted so, so much time.)  I have bills and a flat and Bailey and I don’t want to leave all of that behind, at least quickly.  So, no matter what happens it is my plan to stay here as long as I possibly can (not to mention my 40th birthday plans, please don’t make me give those up please please please).    Steph deserves that bit of courtesy at least.

So this is how I’m spending Christmas:  trying to write a whole bunch of words in the most intellectual way as possible and applying for as many jobs as I can and hoping no one is looking for references until after the new year, when maybe I can find someone who would be willing to write a letter.

You oughta know

As seen on Charlie’s website

 

I’m procrastinating as usual, so here’s some things about me

 

Four names that people call me, other than my real name:

  • Miss (by students in the past)
  • actually, no one ever really calls me anything but Cindy

Four jobs I have had (not counting any current jobs):

  • papergirl (when I was a kid)
  • barista
  • change control coordinator for global IT for a very large international company
  • science teacher

Four movies I’ve watched more than once:

  • Love Actually
  • Die Hard
  • The Fifth Estate
  • Star Trek: Into Darkness

Four books I’d recommend:

  • The Outlander Series by Diana Gabaldon
  • Ballet Shoes by Noel Streatfield
  • Bridget Jones’ Diary by Helen Fielding (this also goes for the movie category as well)
  • 11/22/63 by Stephen King

Four places I have lived:

  • Framingham, MA
  • Worcester, MA
  • Allston, MA
  • Glasgow, Scotland

Four places I have been (in the last 12 months)

  • Dublin, Ireland
  • London, England
  • Edinburgh, Scotland
  • Oxford, England

Four places I’d rather be:

  • London
  • Paris
  • a tropical island
  • home to visit for a bit

Four things I don’t eat:

  • red meat
  • mashed potatoes
  • shellfish
  • liver
  • the list of things I won’t eat is far, far longer

Four of my favourite foods:

  • chocolate chip cookies
  • pumpkin pie
  • pizza
  • salmon

Four TV shows that I watch:

  • Sherlock
  • Doctor Who
  • Homeland
  • The Good Wife

Four things I am looking forward to this year (next 12 months):

  • NEW SHERLOCK
  • Hamlet for my 40th birthday
  • hopefully finishing my PhD
  • All the projects that RG is going to be in this coming year (OMG SORRY MY FANGIRL IS SHOWING)

 

13 month plan- week 11

First the stats:

  • Lifting days: 0/3
  • Running days: 0/3
  • 10K daily step goal: 7/7 (The last day I was under 10K steps was 17 Aug)
  • Miles walked, etc:

Screen Shot 2014-11-22 at 19.55.33

 

  • Pounds lost: 0, I’ve gained a lot of water weight with this med; I know it’s water as my clothes still fit, but my rings don’t.
  • Number of times I complained about uni things: I’ve lost count
  • Number of shows binge watched on Netflix, etc: I started re-watching House :) and have gone through season 3, and have rewatched Luther before I dive into House season 4, which well, is all the angst.
  • Number of words written on my thesis: 0
  • Number of words that were supposed to be written by this point: IDEK
  • Number of times I’m absolutely fucked has appeared in my vocabulary: oh, thousands
  • Number of words written not on my thesis: IDK like 2500?  I’m too lazy to go back and count.

Anyways, I will be honest ( as I always am on here), things have sucked.  Mentally, I am in a fucked up place.  I’ve not mentioned it too much in real life social media (FB/Twitter) because there isn’t anything anyone who knows me in real life can do.  I don’t want pity.  This is my problem and I have to figure it out, and if I can’t, I have to deal with the consequences.   I know what the consquences are, and they suck, but I obviously don’t care enough to get on with it- at least at the moment.

Of course, right now, I want to go for a run.  But I can’t.  I fell a week ago, and can still barely walk, let alone run.  That should make being a tourist in Dublin fun for next week.

Hopefully this week, I can get my head on straight and get on with things.  Which I say every week and haven’t- after 3 months of “trying.”  I know what I have to do, I have just not done it.  No sense in saying anything but.

I know, I’m not a runner

Right now I can’t run.  Literally.  I fell the other day and I can hardly walk, never mind run.  (Of course this means every day this week I’ve walked over 12,000 steps which seems to be the complete opposite of “stay off your feet.”)

I know I am not a runner.  I’m too fat, for one.  So I’m not taken seriously. I’m laughed at and spit on.  And please don’t give me that bullshit “healthy at every size.”  I personally think that’s just been made up to make people feel better.  I am NOT healthy.  I’m a mental mess, I have chronic daily headaches, I take enough pills to rival Gregory House, and I have a deathfat BMI.  Despite the fact that all my blood tests are fine, but it doesn’t mean I am healthy.  I know that this is not a very popular opinion; I have very strong beliefs about what constitutes healthy and not healthy, and I know I’m not.

But I digress. . .

I am not a runner because no matter how much I run or how far I run, I can never, ever compete with real runners.  And it bugs the hell out of me.  You know what?  Your 25 minute 5k time IS NOT SLOW.  Your 45 minute 10k IS NOT FUCKING SLOW.  SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT IT!  Do you have any idea how that makes me feel when people think THAT is slow?  My fastest mile recently was about 17 minutes.  THAT IS FUCKING SLOW, not your 7 minute mile.

Yeah, this may make me seen like a whiny little brat, but you know what?  I don’t care.  It’s my blog.  I can say whatever I want.  I’m certainly not going to win any awards. I’m not going to get anyone offering me products.  In fact, pretty much no one is reading this at all, given what my stats say.

I just wish people could talk about their successes in a way that doesn’t make me feel like crap.  Again, I know.  I’m selfish and self-centered.  But I’ve been having a pretty shit year and you know, I’d just like the universe to cut me some slack.  Apparently, “the universe always settles the score.”

 

It doesn’t.  But it should.

 

13 month plan- weeks 9 & 10- the honest post

Week 9:

  • Lifting days: 0/3
  • Running days: 1/3
  • 10K daily step goal: 7/7 (The last day I was under 10K steps was 17 Aug)
  • Miles walked, etc:

Screen Shot 2014-11-11 at 19.40.01

  • Pounds lost: 0
  • Number of times I complained about uni things: I’ve lost count
  • Number of shows binge watched on Netflix, etc: I started re-watching House :)
  • Number of words written on my thesis: 0
  • Number of words that were supposed to be written by this point: IDEK
  • Number of times I’m absolutely fucked has appeared in my vocabulary: oh, thousands
  • Number of words written not on my thesis: 0

 

Week 10:

  • Lifting days: 0/3
  • Running days: 1/3
  • 10K daily step goal: 7/7 (The last day I was under 10K steps was 17 Aug)
  • Miles walked, etc:

Screen Shot 2014-11-11 at 19.43.07

All of the above applies for week 10 as well.

 

So, what I haven’t been writing about is how my life is a spectacular disaster.  Not only have I not been writing here, I haven’t been getting anything accomplished- end of.  The depression has been worse than ever, to the practically not getting out of bed stage.  I’ve seen my GP and a specialist and they have changed my meds, which have done nothing but make me drained and exhausted.  I’m sleeping all night and needing naps in the day (partially b/c one of the side effects is dizziness and nausea) and even with coffee I’m barely functional.

As a result I haven’t gotten any work done (still) and am very, very close to things being “a bit not good.”  I’m trying, but . . . .  I will write a post about this on it’s own, but for right now I just don’t want to talk about it.

 

13 month plan- week 8

So I have been attempting to get my life together for 2 months now.  And it’s been complete failure.  I think this past week was the worst for me over all, especially depression-wise.  I’m trying to get meds worked out/changed and whatnot, but I’m not sure if the change is going to be a benefit with all the potential side effects, etc.  I won’t really have a good idea for another month- but I suppose the time is going to pass anyways.

 

  • Lifting days: 0/3
  • Running days: 0/3  – (I passed a girl out running in the rain and was like wow you go girl, b/c I am lame and hate getting wet.  I realised how lame that was and bought new water resistant trainers that should be here soon.)
  • 10K daily step goal: 7/7 (The last day I was under 10K steps was 17 Aug)
  • Miles walked, etc:

Screen Shot 2014-10-28 at 19.24.29

  • Pounds lost: 2, I think.
  • Days using MFP: 5
  • Number of times I complained about uni things: I’ve lost count
  • Number of shows binge watched on Netflix, etc: 0 (Well I did start re-watching Silk)
  • Number of words written on my thesis: 0
  • Number of words that were supposed to be written by this point: 45,000
  • Number of meetings held about my thesis: 1
  • Number of times I’m absolutely fucked has appeared in my vocabulary: 345,543,443
  • Number of words written not on my thesis: 1,400

 

13 month plan- week 7

*sigh*  Week 8 is the charm?

  • Lifting days: 0/3
  • Running days: 1/3
  • 10K daily step goal: 7/7 (The last day I was under 10K steps was 17 Aug)
  • Miles walked, etc:

Screen Shot 2014-10-21 at 22.15.46

  • Pounds lost: 0
  • Days using MFP: 5
  • Number of times I complained about uni things: too many
  • Number of shows binge watched on Netflix, etc: 2.  Twin Peaks and How to Get Away With Murder
  • Number of words written on my thesis: 0
  • Number of words that were supposed to be written by this point: 36,000
  • Number of words written not on my thesis: 5,942