Whole 30: The last week

Today is day 30 of my Whole 30.    I am SO excited because tomorrow I can have a “real” cup of coffee!  Or a latte.  Or some yogurt.  A proper cuppa. I am overjoyed at this!



Yes, I probably am.


While I haven’t minded the restriction so much, I have gotten pretty bored with my food choices.  I’ve been eating salads with protein for lunch and dinner most days because I’m lazy/boring and since Steph hasn’t always been home/been busy I’ve had to make my own food (I know, cry me a river, right?) and that means boring choices since I can’t follow a recipe to save my life and I can do little more than bake a potato and a piece of chicken.

Am I in a huge hurry to reintroduce foods?  Not really.  I feel better-ish and I’ve lost weight, so if I just add dairy back for a bit and then maybe sporadically some grains, I’m cool with that.  Since I’m going to be out of town for part of next week anyways I want to add things back in slowly, so it will have to be another week until I can do that properly and I’m ok with that.

Once I’ve had a few days “off,” I’m sure I will better able to reflect on the entire experience.

Whole 30: Days 13-20

Wow.  A whole week has passed.  I was seriously busy with a chapter deadline, and when I had any downtime, the last thing I wanted to do was any more writing.

Overall, I’ve been feeling fine.  Sadly Whole 30 has not removed my generalised anxiety disorder symptoms, and the day before my chapter was due I was living on my medication to make it through.  It was tough.  What I really needed to do was go for a run, but every minute was devoted to getting my work done.

There were a few days where I had absolutely no appetite at all, and then the next day I’d be starving and barely able to keep from shoving food in my mouth.  It’s crazy.

Last night I dreamed of custard cremes.




I’m starting to think about after Whole 30.  In all honestly I don’t really feel the need to change anything.  I feel better, so why change what is working?  I do want to re-introduce dairy though.  I miss cream in my coffee.  (Yes, I know it isn’t ideal, but haters gonna hate.)  I’ve already given up so many foods for various reasons that I’d rather not give up something I actually enjoy.

My biggest worry is when I am away for a quick trip at the beginning of March.  I know I can rely on M&S for salads and nuts and whatnot.  I’m sure I can find places to get healthy salads/chicken while I’m gone, so I should probably stop obsessing over it.



Whole 30: Days 10-12

Day 10:

I woke up early(!) and hungry.  I sort of scrambled 2 eggs and reheated a small baked potato I cooked last night.  After I caught up on the internet, I debated going back to sleep since it was early (for me).  Instead I ended up going for a run- if you can call my abysmal pace a run.

I’ve been starving ever since.  I had a big salad for lunch, and for dinner I had another big salad, a piece of baked salmon, and another small potato.

Day 11:

Yesterday I was hungry and productive.  I wanted to eat all the things, but ended up eating two salads to try and keep full.  Trying to be more conscious of the amount of calories consumed is so hard and so frustrating, especially when I’m hungry.  (Yes, I know this defeats the purpose of the Whole 30, but I can not afford to gain weight.)

Day 12:

I’ve been headachy the past few days.  Unsure if that is my chronic headache issues or my body still detoxing.  I had a delicious iced Americano with coconut milk and a sort-of chicken salad.  I thought I had a baby gem lettuce left, but I didn’t.  Despite my sad attempt at lunch, I still had the energy to go out for my “run.”  I’m feeling so frustrated about my lack of running ability to the point I want to just get off social media all together; it’s so hard to read about people running 3x as far as I am for the same amount of time.  I feel like I am never going to get any faster.

Dinner was baked chicken and salad and for dessert I had banana ice cream, since I had plenty of calories left.  I ate pretty late, so I am hopeful I won’t be hungry by the time I go to bed like I have the past 2 nights.

I’m impressed that this has been so easy to follow.  I had figured this would be torturous for me, and it has been ok.  I haven’t had any cravings at all, apart from the desire for some salted almonds earlier.  tumblr_myz0ix0qYN1r71kyto8_250




Here’s a random picture of Bailey.  :)

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Whole 30: Days 7-9

Day 7

I woke up more energised than usual, but with no appetite.  It pretty much takes until after I forced down some fruit to feel hungry.  Steph made cod and cauliflower rice, which was really good.

For some reason, my stomach started hurting something terrible around 6; no idea why.  Ugh.  I’m sipping ginger tea and trying to relax.  I had a small baked potato and almond encrusted chicken for dinner.

Day 8

Still no appetite.  It’s mildly annoying, but there are worse things.   I went for a run this afternoon; it was freezing but it was nice to get out in the fresh air as my life is pretty much devoted to working right now.  I had hoped some cardio would boost my appetite, but it was a no go.

Day 9

How I feel today:

I just felt miserable all day.  I tried to get out and get some work done.  I went to Starbucks and managed to stay there for like 20 minutes.  My black tea tasted like soap (?) and I just gave up and came back home and took a nap, in hopes that I would feel better, and perhaps have an appetite when I woke.

I did, a bit, and managed to eat salad, leftover chicken, and a small baked potato.  I still feel meh and I’m not sure why.  I have eaten plenty, calorie wise, and considering I haven’t lost any weight yet :(, so I don’t think I should be adding any calories.  I’m plenty hydrated, so that’s not it.  I thought it was anxiety, but that didn’t seem to be the case either.  I suppose it could be the fact I’m just really stressed out over my thesis.

Perhaps I’m just getting to the detox/feeling icky part of this later than the timetable lets on.  I’m not craving anything at all.  I went out for coffee tonight with Steph and people were eating cakes and everything and I was not bothered at all.

Hopefully, I will wake up tomorrow feeling better.

Whole 30: Days 4-6

In summary, I feel pretty good.  Which is a surprise, tbh.

Day 4:

I’m woken up by the door buzzer; not a way to start off the day.  I’m tired and cranky but happy with the Super Bowl win!  I made a cup of coffee and then ran out to the post office, which was a waste of time.  I’m not hungry at all, but I force myself to eat a salad.

I don’t really have time for it, but I have to rehab my ankle, so I hurry to the gym for a quick treadmill workout.  Am pleased I was able to run the entirety of my “challenge” song this time.

I’m STARVING for dinner and I eat a ton of food.  I actually had 2 dinners.  NOM.

Day 5

No. Appetite. At. All.  But, I dreamt about freshly baked bread last night.  Weird.

I manage a cup of coffee and 2 eggs before I go to the office.  While there, I finish yesterday’s coconut milk/strawberry smoothie and eat some almonds so I don’t pass out in my meeting.

I have chicken, cauliflower rice (who am I?) and courgette for dinner.  As a treat, I make banana ice cream (and by I make, I watch while Stephanie does it for me).  Again, who the fuck am I?  I hate cauliflower; the smell alone makes me gag.  But Steph riced it, and added tumeric and something else and I ate it with forkfuls of chicken, so it was ok.  The banana didn’t taste like banana, more like nice frozen goodness.  I can’t stand the texture of real banana, but frozen I can’t tell.

Day 6

I wake up at 5 am, starving.  I can’t fall back to sleep with my stomach growling, so I grab a handful of almonds and pass back out finally.

I wake up at 10:30 and I’m not tired or hungry.  After a coffee, I run some errands and grab grapes while I’m out.  I really want a coffee, but I manage without.  While on the subway, I realise how clear my mind feels, and how I don’t have a headache.  I’m hesitant to note this, as I am sure it is short-lived (it is), but it’s weird.  Is that what “normal” feels like?  It’s been so long since I’ve felt well and normal, I don’t know what to expect.

I’m starving when I get home and have eggs, bacon, and sweet potato hash.

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Before the parade comes on, I decide to go for a run.  I feel really energetic, so it feels nice to be outside, even though it is cold, and even though I am the slowest runner ever.  I’m pleased to find that RunKeeper and my new Fitbit Surge have the same mileage down.


I’m starving after my run and I eat chicken salad with paleo mayo, with a ton of celery to bulk it out.  I’m still hungry a little later, and make another serving.  I’m hesitant to do so, as I know it will jack up my calories, but I’m hungry.

I do some work and make a cup of ginger tea as it’s caffeine free, and I am FREEZING.

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I have a Bailey-hot water bottle next to me, which is nice.  I am exhausted and can’t wait to sleep.  I hope I can make it through Wolf Hall.  Speaking of,  this is pretty much my reaction to everything nowadays.

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Whole 30: Days 1-3

A year ago, I was all set to do a Whole 30.  And then the beginning of last year happened and there was no way I was getting through all of it without ice cream.  Since then, I’ve thought about doing it again, but never really got motivated.

Recently, I’ve been feeling not great overall.  I’m curious to find out if eating a lower/anti-inflammatory diet will help the headaches and the new reoccurrence of paresthetica meralgia in my thigh.

The time is going to pass anyways, so I figured- why not?

Day 1:

I woke up cranky.  Shocking.  I got up and had a glass of sparking water; I felt dehydrated.  After an hour I made some coffee, 2 eggs, and some home fries, all cooked in Lurpak clarified butter.  While I know you’re not supposed to count calories on Whole 30, I am.  One, as I get credit on Pact for it, and two, I know if I don’t I could easily go WAY over in calories with the added (good) fats.  As it is, my breakfast is practically half the calories I allot for days with lower activity, which I know today will be as I have a lot of work to do.

A few hours later, I am peckish, and make a salad with some leftover shredded chicken.  I’m not used to having salad without dressing; I’ve added a tiny bit of olive oil and balsamic vinegar but it feels dry to me.  #firstworldproblems I know.

I wasn’t really hungry at dinner time, so I waited until I was, at about 9.  I had chicken thighs cooked in the slow cooker, courgette, and some more potato.  I probably could have skipped the potato, tbh.  In the end, more calories than I wanted to take in, but it’s a learning process.

I haven’t felt light-headed or anything today, which is good.

Day 2:

I slept obscenely late, even for me.  I started a new medication last night, which is most likely the cause.  I’m merely replacing one med for another; but they both cause drowsiness and are very sedating which is why they are taken at night.  I will have to play around with the timing I think.

I got up and made a coffee.  I wasn’t hungry, which is ok.  I didn’t end up eating until 3.  *shrug*

I managed a HIIT workout at the gym and feel ok about it.  Just being able to run slowly, has made me happy.  I’m awfully tired afterwards; not sure if it’s the new med or the fact I’ve just had a very, very late breakfast.  I’m not starving, but I eat some cherries while I’m waiting for my sweet potato to cook.

Dinner was mediocre, mainly because I cooked it.

I felt woozy after taking my med and got into bed around 11 to listen to an audiobook.

Day 3:

I had a hard time sleeping, despite the new med.  I do end up being groggy later, so maybe I can take it earlier with out any ill effects.  Bailey woke me up around 8:30 to be fed, and I’m really hungry; the first time I feel serious hunger in a few days.  I eat a small bit of dried fruit, as it’s too early to cook anything and I go back to bed with Bailey.

I get up later and make bacon and heat up a leftover sweet potato.  It’s not overly filling, but ok.  I have Steph make me a turkey burger since the mince needs to be used up.  It’s boring on it’s own, but I’m out of tomatoes.

I ordered a small food processor so I can make Paleo mayo and salad dressings.  After it arrives we go to the store to buy ingredients.  I feel like my legs are leadened; it seems like a terrible effort to walk.  Unsure if I’m just tired from working out yesterday or low on energy.

I’ve had no food cravings or anything so far.  In fact, if anything food feels like a chore- maybe because I’m satisfied due to the healthy fat content?

In hindsight, I should have had more for lunch, or planned for dinner earlier, because I got really hangry at about 6.  It wasn’t pretty.  I made a salad and topped it with the leftover turkey burger.  I made ginger dressing (omitting the things I don’t like).  It was really good.

What isn’t good is this headache that I have right now.  Ugh.  Luckily, meds and a cup of Mycroft tea have sorted me in time for the sexy silver fox in Last Tango in Halifax!  So glad it is coming back for a 4th series!  :)  (Totally unrelated to my Whole 30, but worth mentioning!)

So far so good days 1-3!

Losing time

Despite countless tries, I can’t seem to get on a schedule.  I have no idea how other people PhD students do it; when do they do their washing up or laundry?  I mean all of this life gets in my way and then next thing I know it’s 5pm and I’ve got nothing done.  I know the answer is get up early, but with this medication I am on, it is not really feasible.  It knocks me out for a good 12 hours; not much I can do about it.  If I were to want to get up for 8 or 9 am I’d need to take the medication at 6pm, rendering me asleep by 7.  That’s just crap.  Right now I take it between 10-11 and am pretty much out until 10ish in the morning.  Unless I have a crap night’s sleep, like last night, when I was awake until 2 am stressing about all of this.  I think if I had a job to go to it would be easier, and people say I should just go to my office.  However I can’t work in the office because of the lights.  I’d manage about 2 hours tops without wanting to vomit from the headache the lights give me.  I know it sounds like excuses, but I really can’t change the fact I have chronic daily headache syndrome, and the uni isn’t about to give me a workspace with no lights.  FML.  So this was Thursday.

11:30: (I know, I know) wake up.  Headache is unbearable already.  Also extremely anxious; just what I need.

11:30-12: pee, take meds, check email, start coffee

12-12:15: make something to eat.  Bailey wants chicken.  I find him a new toy; one that came in his Christmas box.  (Not to be confused with Christmas Box.  Haha.)  (OK, I know like ONE of you got that, right?)

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12:15-12:30: eat, check internets

12:30-12:45: get dressed, put hair up

12:45-1: realise something needs to go out to the post; find tape, gets stuff ready.  This takes longer than it should b/c my hands are shaking from the anxiety despite the valium.

1-1:15: make sure I have everything I need for post office and physio appointment after, like my trainers.  It snowed overnight so I’m wearing my boots with the fur.

1:15-1:30: walk to post office, mail items

1:30-1:45 walk to physio

1:45-2:15: wait for physio.  I know I was early; there’s a half hour wasted, but I never know how long the lines will be at the post office, better to be safe than sorry.  Also I have to be early for everything

2:15-2:45: physio appt.  Prognosis is good.  I wish the paresthetica meralgia would ease up.

2:45-3: walk home

3-3:45: shower, dry hair, get dressed, put in load of laundry, make salad, start this post.  Hands are still shaking.  Am feeling very lightheaded and anxious still.

3:45-4: take vitamins, wash dishes I used for salad, watch trailer for the Spooks movie :)

4-4:15: Because I am meeting Steph for dinner (we have a voucher, last day to use it is today) I slap some make up on; put away laundry

4:15-5: edit this post, catch up on email, etc as I need to leave I know starting work will not benefit me, just make me more stressed out

5-6: travel into city centre, buy a new iphone cable, browse a bit before meeting for dinner

8: home.  Despite only having most of 1 glass of wine, I’m feeling tipsy.

Attempt to be proactive and get the items that I’ve sold (I started listing things before I got my loans in desperation) so I can take them to the post office tomorrow.

It’s 11 now and I need to start getting ready for bed.  I’ve walked 17.5K steps today.  Impressive.  I didn’t think I did all that much walking around either today, but I was busy around the flat and everything rather than just sitting on the couch; I was always doing something today, just not what I was supposed to be doing.


A return to running

I won’t lie and say I wasn’t overjoyed when I had my physio intake last week.  I was worried that my ankle was completely done.  The first sprain/ligament tear was in November and the Talus area was still sore as anything.  It wasn’t improved when I slipped on the ice/tripped over another depression in the sidewalk 2 weeks ago; the swelling had increased once again.  But after all of the testing, manipulating, and hopping during the visit, I was told there was no reason I couldn’t return to walk/running in the next 10 days.

I’ve spent the past 6 days waiting for the swelling to go down and the pain level to decrease.  I’ve found on days where I walk over 11K steps, the pain increases.  So after a low mileage day yesterday (just barely making 10K steps) I decided today would be the day to try it out.  I used the treadmill at the gym, considering my issues with being unable to walk down the sidewalk as of late.  Seriously, it’s ridiculous.

My ankle didn’t hurt*.

I was amazed.

No pain at all, and no swelling in the hours that have passed.  I am SO happy because this means, that within reason, I can start running** again.  This is good, because I need it, if for nothing else it has been SO hard to deal with the stresses of life without being able to go out for a run.  I didn’t realise how much I enjoyed it, until I was unable to do it at all.  It was torture reading people’s race times/reviews and looking at people’s scenic pictures online.

And now I can use my cute Sweaty Betty earwarmers and new Fabletics running jacket that have been gathering dust in my closet.  :)







* the Meralgia paraesthetica had other ideas and my thigh isn’t too happy

**running to me, that is.  I’m still slower than turtles in molasses

Everything sucks

So we’re 10 days into 2015, and so far I think it sucks.  I’ve been sick.  I have no money. I’m still injured and can’t run. The bank won’t get back to me about the potentially missing check issue, and today I found out my supervisors never sent in my form.  So, the money I was still praying would come in on Monday, now certainly won’t.  I can’t borrow any money from anyone because I don’t know if I will have money to pay back.  I feel more and more like I am not wanted here, and am getting closer and closer to that moment when I start selling all my belongings.    I’m trying to figure out the best way to do that actually.

Everything sucks.

I know not many people read my blog, probably because it is so negative.  This is my life, and right now I am saying it sucks.  It’s really hard to DO anything when you have -£200 in the bank and right now I am just so beyond frustrated with everything, especially since I am NO closer to knowing what is going to happen.  All I want to know is yes or no.  I can live with the decision.  It’s the waiting that’s the hardest part.

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t

That pretty much sums up my situation right now.   Basically I’ve worked (harder some times than others) on my PhD for the past 3 years and my supervisors are now saying I don’t have a thesis.  They are not saying I’ve made sufficient progress, and therefore I may not be getting my loans in January. (I can’t confirm or deny this as it’s Christmas and I can’t find out until the beginning of the year.)  The university is fine with me taking more time, but without money, there is no time.  No loans = no money= no studies = Cindy is basically fucked.  Not to mention the lack of visa.  :(

So right now I am expected to write all of this theory (most of which I don’t understand, which is another issue altogether when you realise you aren’t as smart as you thought you were; that or the Topomax REALLY fucked up my brain) and carry on with everything.  Which is hard to do, as I am losing time I could be using to sell all my belongings for money or looking for jobs (not that anyone will hire me as I don’t have any experience over the past 4 years and I don’t have any references from this decade- and I would need pretty much some sort of relocation allowance so hahahahahaha on me) since my future is so up in the air.

I didn’t want to talk about this, as it’s Christmas, and well, I don’t really want people feeling sorry for me.  And. . . . well I feel ashamed.  I’ve wasted 3 years of my life on this, and now I’m going to be 40 and I have nothing to show for it but over $100K worth of student debt, no money, no partner, no job, and no foreseeable future.  The future I had envisioned after the PhD is long gone now, and it’s really hard to think of a job I could possibly get hired at.  But I suppose, at nearly 40, I have to be accountable for my own actions.

In the end. . .

Basically . . .


I have a life here (Well sort of.  I am having serious regrets about how I spent and wasted my time here and the lack of connections I made and how I wasted so, so much time.)  I have bills and a flat and Bailey and I don’t want to leave all of that behind, at least quickly.  So, no matter what happens it is my plan to stay here as long as I possibly can (not to mention my 40th birthday plans, please don’t make me give those up please please please).    Steph deserves that bit of courtesy at least.

So this is how I’m spending Christmas:  trying to write a whole bunch of words in the most intellectual way as possible and applying for as many jobs as I can and hoping no one is looking for references until after the new year, when maybe I can find someone who would be willing to write a letter.